How Do I Forgive Someone Who Hurt Me?

Betrayal. Rejection. Lies. A friendship or marriage that fractured in a way you never saw coming. If you're carrying pain like that, the question isn't whether forgiveness matters, it's whether it's even possible. Pastor Matt Perry tackled that question head-on in a message built around Ephesians 4:31-32, and the answer he landed on reframes what forgiveness actually requires of us.

Key takeaways:

• Forgiveness isn't pretending the hurt didn't happen, ignoring justice, or instantly restoring trust, it's a choice you make, not a feeling you wait for.
• Unaddressed hurt grows into bitterness that quietly affects your joy, your trust, and your faith.
• Forgiving means releasing the debt to God instead of trying to collect it yourself.
• Remembering how much you've already been forgiven is what makes forgiving others possible.
• Forgiveness is a process, not a single decision, you can walk it out one day at a time.

What Forgiveness Is Not

Before talking about what forgiveness means, the message cleared up what it doesn't mean. Forgiveness is not pretending the hurt never happened. It's not ignoring justice, and it's not the same thing as instantly restoring trust with someone who hasn't changed. Those are common, well-meaning myths that keep people stuck, either forcing a fake peace or refusing to forgive at all because they think it requires something it doesn't.

Why Bitterness Is So Dangerous

Unforgiveness rarely announces itself all at once. Pastor Matt described it in a memorable way: bitterness grows like a root underground, out of sight, getting bigger the longer it's ignored. Left unaddressed, that root can grow so deep that a person can no longer pull it out on their own. As he put it, some of us have "roots of bitterness so deep in our hearts" that we finally have to admit, God, I need you to remove this, it's too big for me. Bitterness doesn't just affect our relationship with the person who hurt us. It touches our joy, our trust, and our faith.

Releasing the Debt

Here's the phrase that reframes everything: forgiveness isn't pretending it didn't hurt, it's choosing not to collect the debt. When someone wrongs us, we instinctively want to make them pay one way or another, whether through distance, resentment, or rehearsing the offense in our minds. Forgiveness means releasing that debt to God instead of collecting it ourselves, trusting Him with the justice we can't deliver and don't have to carry.

The Cross Gives Us the Power to Forgive

Ephesians 4:32 ties forgiveness directly to the cross: we forgive because we've been forgiven. That's not just a nice sentiment, it's the actual power source for forgiveness. On our own strength, letting go of real pain is nearly impossible. But when we remember the depth of what we've already been forgiven, extending that same grace to someone else becomes possible, even when it's still hard.

Practical Steps Toward Healing

Forgiveness is rarely a single decision that erases the pain overnight. It's a process, naming the hurt honestly, choosing daily not to collect the debt, and trusting God with the parts of justice that are His to handle, not ours. Healing doesn't require forgetting; it requires releasing.

If forgiveness or a difficult relationship is something you're walking through and want support, our Care & Counseling team would love to walk alongside you.

This post is adapted from a message preached at Love Church San Diego. Watch the full message on our YouTube channel.